Icy Flame

May 30th, 2003
Thanks for your letter yesterday. It is really nice to hear from you and I’ve read it carefully. After carefully thinking, now I’d love to reply your questions in your letter.
We are both well-educated people. I feel happy our story ended up with a full stop in this peaceful and decent way. I will treasure all the precious moments I spent with your in the past one year.
It was not so long ago when I thought I’d never meet someone like you and I thought I could always in control and never fall. After my past three years after the death of my first boyfriend nobody could ever melt a heart like mine, a heart so cold, hardened by the past and protected vastly by shields. I could dream, could live in the world I make for myself for a long time but I did know one day I had to wake up to the reality. I really would rather die than making you cry like this but I really cannot hold on any longer. For us there seems no any future. I have to be cruel and tear us apart.
I believe absolute cruelty sometimes is much more merciful in some way. you would never be happy with a girl like me when you come back to your country facing people around you and neither would I. If I could how eager I was to spend the rest of my life with you. But where can we hide away? How can we throw all our parents and people loving us away? We are both not that cruel and selfish so we have to face our fate ( if there is any) and overtake what we have to suffer. No where to hide away and no other choice. All are truths including our love. But nothing is big deal including us and our love.

You came down to me gently like an angel and heal my broken heart with your love and nowadays the wounds you healed are torn up and bleeding more. You will become the knife in my heart for a long time. I dare not touch it so please let me ignore it. Does it any nepenthe mentioned in the Odyssey as a remedy for grief exist in this world? Alcohol makes me more awake and restless. Even my mind get drunk my heart is weeping. The more hopeless my love is the hotter it is.
Please help me to survive, help me to ignore you and the weeping heart. If you came like an angel, now please leave me like an angel again. I cannot face you, cannot image your smile to other girls, cannot stand your falling in love with another girl in future. I loved you so much. How come it is easy for me to let go all of these.

Don’t give me wrong hopes. Don’t give me more melancholy and sorrow. I’ve paid all my heart. Leave me alone.
I don’t want to meet you again any more in my life. Forgive me and understand me. Leave me alone.
Sincerely yours,
Vivienne Chen