Icy Flame

Some unseen fingers, like an idle breeze, are playing upon my heart the music of the ripples. Those beautiful essays and lines really can sing out the songs inside my heart.

I will post some of my favorite essays ( some are in both English and simplified Chinese) with some beautiful illustration here. And also there will be some small sentences and words of my own also.

May 30th, 2003
Thanks for your letter yesterday. It is really nice to hear from you and I’ve read it carefully. After carefully thinking, now I’d love to reply your questions in your letter.
We are both well-educated people. I feel happy our story ended up with a full stop in this peaceful and decent way. I will treasure all the precious moments I spent with your in the past one year.
It was not so long ago when I thought I’d never meet someone like you and I thought I could always in control and never fall. After my past three years after the death of my first boyfriend nobody could ever melt a heart like mine, a heart so cold, hardened by the past and protected vastly by shields. I could dream, could live in the world I make for myself for a long time but I did know one day I had to wake up to the reality. I really would rather die than making you cry like this but I really cannot hold on any longer. For us there seems no any future. I have to be cruel and tear us apart.
I believe absolute cruelty sometimes is much more merciful in some way. you would never be happy with a girl like me when you come back to your country facing people around you and neither would I. If I could how eager I was to spend the rest of my life with you. But where can we hide away? How can we throw all our parents and people loving us away? We are both not that cruel and selfish so we have to face our fate ( if there is any) and overtake what we have to suffer. No where to hide away and no other choice. All are truths including our love. But nothing is big deal including us and our love.

You came down to me gently like an angel and heal my broken heart with your love and nowadays the wounds you healed are torn up and bleeding more. You will become the knife in my heart for a long time. I dare not touch it so please let me ignore it. Does it any nepenthe mentioned in the Odyssey as a remedy for grief exist in this world? Alcohol makes me more awake and restless. Even my mind get drunk my heart is weeping. The more hopeless my love is the hotter it is.
Please help me to survive, help me to ignore you and the weeping heart. If you came like an angel, now please leave me like an angel again. I cannot face you, cannot image your smile to other girls, cannot stand your falling in love with another girl in future. I loved you so much. How come it is easy for me to let go all of these.

Don’t give me wrong hopes. Don’t give me more melancholy and sorrow. I’ve paid all my heart. Leave me alone.
I don’t want to meet you again any more in my life. Forgive me and understand me. Leave me alone.
Sincerely yours,
Vivienne Chen

5:30 am ,May.29, 2003
It is a warm and sunny day here in Shantou.
I do not lose my guiding sense of wrong and right,not my will to fight.I simply understand I should respect you and your religion.As you said to me so many times before: "Don't hurt my religion." It is holy and pure for you. Why should you be sad then? You never lose your parents and religion that is the most important thing in your life.I am just the wrong one you met in the wrong place at the wrong time.So many things have been misplaced, so all these mistakes should be corrected, all these memories should be erased.Life is constantly changing and we've got no control over it.We always plan for the future but along the way, life leads us to where we belong.

I've got a feeling that I can never satisfy.I always get angry when you tell you "Vivi,I can hardly understand you." I lost my temper or felt frustrated and down. But on thinking of this at this mement I can only smile to myself. What a stupid person I am. Obviously we seem to never understand each other properly.
Surely I dare not talk about your holy religion even I tell you I do know sth. about it from books, websites, especially from my family members and friends around me. Still I don't think I can discuss it with you.

We are just different, totally different!

I am a very open-minded person. I respect people of differnt races, countires, cultures, religions, even sexual oreintation. I never mean to offend you. Forgive me what I am going to say below.

I never felt uncomfortable that I gave up pork and avoided alcohol and close dances in disco (actually in the recent several months I almost never went to any disco or took part in any parties). But there is one thing ever raising my ire before.Have you ever sat down with a gay or lesbian person and listened to his/her intense pain? If not, you can never discover that no-one ever intentionally chooses such an agonizing and lonely journey. As a matter of fact I believe you just don't bother to get to know any of them. You consider them sick and eccentric.I always dislike and disagree the ignorance and prejudiced treatment of certain groups.For me a person who has no religion, different kinds of religions are just more or less the same as different sexual orientation. My friendship towards all the people who are friendly and kind to me is no rejection or ridicule. You can never understand what kind of feeling I got when I totally my gays friends I could never meet them again or have any contact with them, neither because they'd done anything wrong to me nor I dislike them but just because my boyfriend considered homosexual is a sin and I wanted to please my boyfriend by dumpping my good friends. Both of the guys were my good friends though we had different sexual oreintation and were from different countries. One of them was my good and old friend for the past five years. He was so caring and helpful and he just expected nothing from me but friendship and respect.You almost ask me to be aware of the foreign guys in China because most of them are just behind pretty girls for sex. Do you really think my homosexual friends did expect sex from me? if that that was really a great fun. And by the way, I'd like to point out both of us know that STD and HIV also spread among heterosexual.

Really I can never forgive myself for what I did to them,betraying them and destory our friendship.however I have to confess I am just a very selfish person and love is blind. Even if I could turn back time I am sure I would have done that again. If I could just have only the choice between hurting my boyfriend or leaving my friends I know what I would do. So even I can never forgive myself but I never regret doing that. Who told me to fall in love with you and love you so deeply.

I loved you.I really did, with my heart and soul. I'd never expected that a carefree and open-minded girl who had no religion was so crazy for a religious and traditional muslim guy like you. But once it happened I could never control my feelings. I just followed my heart to where it led me to and tried my best to go on with you as far as we could.

I did know you are a very innoncent, honest, faithful and caring person. I did know you loved me much and truly. I did know you also tried your best to understand me and my culture. But you can never answer me this question :" why I can accept you as a muslim but you always try to convert me to a muslim instead of accepting me as a non-muslim?"

Why? Why could you dare to tell your parents or family members in your country that you had a non-muslim girlfriend? You know I did tell everything about you to my parents and they tried their best to accept all these and finally they'd decided to meet you if you really loved me and could accept me as who I am then they were ready to accept you as who you are. I felt I was so cheap that I had to be hidden in the shade of the night. Why? why should i treat myself like this?

If loving you means I had to lose myself then how could I answer who I was when I asked myself this question? I always told you even I loved you deeply and only loved you, you couldn't be my whole world. An overwhelming and all-consuming relationship would only make us exhaused and weaken us day by day. So better set each other free before both of us are out of breath. This is the best and the only choice we should do nowadays.

My soul is singing a silent song to u in an unbridgeable distance,ending up the love in eternal night.

Zaijian, my love, Yong Bie. I know Wo Yong Shi Wu Ai hereafter.